Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Floor bacon is actually really good
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
