I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
