I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
