I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
this hospital has no fireball
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
