How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
