felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
