If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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