dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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