My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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