in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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