The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
