I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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