Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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