if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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