I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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