I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
