new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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