I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I supernannyed him into submission
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