So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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