I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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