watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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