I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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