is your mom at the bar?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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