I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
