Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
