I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
