no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
