thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
