Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
