Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
