I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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