my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
FUCK WHALES
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
