Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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