you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
