Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
