you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
