she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
