i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
