Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize