Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
