theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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