I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
