Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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