my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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