Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
