I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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