Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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