God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
