Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
