She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
