I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
