just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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