i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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