After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
These tits shall not be calmed
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
