Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
