woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
