I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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