Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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