you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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