i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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