he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize