you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
