if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
