can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
