she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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