My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
