capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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