My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
