party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
