Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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